For as long as I can remember I haven’t been confident in the way I look. I never thought I looked good in what I wore and quite simply I just felt awkward. As a child, I dressed in what looked like boys clothes; board shorts and garish t-shirts. As I grew up my fashion sense developed into baggy hoodies and skinny jeans. As the hoodies got baggier my weight increased and then I quite simply hid. I hid behind closed doors and I hid beneath chunky jumpers.
This Last Year
Over the last year, my body confidence was at my absolute lowest. If I wasn’t at work I was at home in my pyjamas. Hiding away from myself. Everything I wore made me feel uncomfortable and self-conscious. This year has also been my hardest year in regards to my depression so I am wondering if this had a part to play in how I felt about myself. If I did go shopping it would be to buy baggy jumpers or basic stretch tees. I was miserable in my own skin.
I would buy makeup with no intention of wearing it. I would take pretty photos of it and t
hen it would just sit on my side collecting dust. I didn’t believe I was good enough to wear the makeup. I didn’t have the confidence to try.
Well to say my feelings towards myself have changed would be a bit of an understatement. It all started with a burgundy pinafore dress! I fell in love with the colour and at that moment I no longer cared how I looked because I just wanted to wear that colour. I realised I had lost all that negative weight. I realised I looked ok, no not ok, freaking amazing.
Slowly I bought more pinafore dresses and bright colourful sweaters to wear underneath them. I stopped worrying and it made me happy. I’ve started getting out of bed in the mornings to shower and do my makeup. And whats more people have been complimenting me on my outfits and the way I look.
I guess in reality there is no way to define how I learnt to love myself. It just happened. Subconsciously I guess I have slowly been learning to love myself bit by bit over the last few months.