So recently I have been having panic attacks just as I am settling down to sleep, after I have said goodnight to my best friend and when I am most relaxed. These panic attacks were coming out of the blue, in fact, I’ve been feeling pretty happy recently, I’ve been organised and motivated so there was no reason for these attacks to be happening right?
But last night (24/1/18) during my panic attack all I could think was ‘I just want to go home’. But I was home. Or at least the place I live. This then spiralled into ‘do I have a home’ and ‘where is my home?’
I have lived in house shares since the age of 18 and I have no relationship with my parents. When most people my age say they are going home they often mean the place they grew up! Obviously, I can’t do that. I also have plans to move from my current house this year so this also doesn’t feel like home.
So what is a home? The Oxford Dictionary defines it as ‘The place where one lives permanently, especially as a member of a family or household.’ So technically you would say yes this is my home, so why does it not feel that way?
That is something I can’t figure out. I look back and think when was the last time I felt as though I was at home and the only place my mind goes to is Christmas. I felt relaxed and loved but that isn’t my home, that is Cameron’s home and his family. It feels very wrong to see that as also being my home. The place I go when I need comfort. Honestly, it is out of the question, it is a thought that needs to be abolished.
Maybe not all of have a home. Maybe that is the way it has to be? Do any of you feel this way sometimes? How do you cope or deal with it? I’m not sure if this will be published as it is something I haven’t talked to anyone about and I don’t think I would have even typed it up if I had a journal at the moment… But I needed an outlet and a way to try to understand why I have been feeling the way I do. Right now I don’t feel any better for writing this down but I’m hoping it can act as an alternative to talking about it.