Happiness

Happiness

Looking back at my childhood the most poignant of memories are from when I was most upset and angry. I wouldn’t consider myself to be a happy person. But what is happiness? I can’t say I have ever felt immense happiness nor can I really remember a time whereby something made me particularly happy.
Is that a bad thing or does it maybe shown that I haven’t been making the right decisions in life?
I thought having a stable job and being in a relationship would make me happy. I thought making jewellery and other crafts would make me happy.
Is there something wrong with me or am I just blocking out the happy memories?
I can’t be the only person who feels like this. And please it isn’t depression as I know that is what most people jump to but I know something isn’t quite right.
I laugh and i have fun but there is always something else lingering in the back of my head.
Unfortunately now this sadness has got so bad that even my boyfriend doesn’t wish to spend time with me. Always making excuses. I may be seeing something that isn’t there but what I am currently seeing is a life with out love, a life without happiness in a monotonous life.
I know i shouldn’t feel empty like this. But I see all my friends settling down, starting families and here I am not leaving the house all day as though I am scared of the outside world.
I am lost amongst my sadness.

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